I’ve discovered a new way to catch Osama Bin Laden.
Some call them “Bounty Hunters.” Most call them “Scum.” Others simply don’t call them at all. They exist on the fringes of the galaxy, bouncing mercilessly from bounty to bounty, alone and without a care for any species existing in and around them. Unless of course, there’s a monetary investment to be collected.
Bounty hunters take all forms, from renegade hunter-killer droid to the cloned and abandoned son of a Mandalorian warrior. They are also extremely well-armed, daring to live outside the traditional roles of morality and law, and more often than not, pretty damn good at killing and or capturing.
I have never met any bounty hunters in my life, but from what I’ve seen and read, they would do a good job at capturing Osama Bin Laden. They are well equipped with a plethora of creative weapons that would do plentiful damage in the mountains in and around the Afghanistan/Pakistan border, including double pronged Amban phase-pulse blasters, Valken-38 blaster rifles, concussion grenades, BlasTech DLT-20A blaster rifles, paralysis cords, stun gas blowers and tractor beams.
And even better, according to Article, sub-section 6 of the Bounty Hunter Guild‘s rules and bylines, bounty hunters are not allowed to drink on the job (Section 6. Intoxication whilst on duty shall be defined as any hunter found intoxicated whilst on duty. Intoxication includes substances such as alcohol or spices.) This would not only make for a more effective hunt; it would be beneficial in the acrid desert conditions where Bin Laden is reportedly hiding. Basically, they wait for more appropriate times to get their drink on. (In this case, after Bin Laden was frozen in carbonite and safely delivered to George W. Bush.)
But I’m only just getting started. I haven’t even mentioned their work ethic. Yes, we’re going to need to pay them a little more, but as is always the case, you get what you pay for. Bounty hunters wouldn’t be caught dead dangling from shelves in the local dollar store, but they do know their way in and around an effective kill. In fact, I’ve even procured a quote from one of the most notorious bounty hunters in the galaxy to substantiate that claim: “I’ve killed virtually everything that moves, one time or another, a hundred different species, sentient and dumb; if it breathes I’ve probably killed it or something like it. But I’ve killed clean. I’ve killed without stretching it out,” says one Mandalorian armor-clad bounty hunter, who single-handedly captured Han Solo, escaped the Great Pit of Carkoon and even made his way in and around New York City about two years ago.
He was good at what he did. And he didn’t rest until the job was done. Of course, he was a clone, and may not have required the necessary essentials of human life such as sleep or food, but I think we’ve exhausted all other options. And let’s face it, right now, with the economy in the tank, Jersey Shore on top of the ratings chart and Tiger Woods in rehab for sex addiction, a bad ass bounty hunter with a jet-pack capturing Osama Bin Laden, freezing him in carbonite and delivering him in a spaceship named Slave 1 to The White House would definitely bolster some morales among the people.
In closing, I wish to quote the ever-creative words smith George W. Bush, who said, just before Christmas in December of 2001, “We’re going to get [Bin Laden] Dead or alive, it doesn’t matter to me.”
Yet, following nine years of Bin Laden-less justice, I think now is the time to assemble the scum of the universe, implore the “No disintegrations” rule, issue some Imperial Peace-Keeping Certificates (if need be) and hopefully, free up some time on the Nat Geo Channel in the process.
(I hate to be that guy, but those ‘Hunt For Bin Laden‘ documentaries are killing me.)
By the way, this is sarcasm, so don’t take it too heavily. Thanks.