The Chocolate Shoe

Slowly but surely, my house is filling with a wide and varied assortment of Nike 6.0 promotional paraphernalia. Anything they brainstorm lands in my PO Box, my car and then my house before I can figure out what in the hell I’m actually going to do with it. It started sometime last year. I got a box. Inside were shoes and about 100 high-density rubber balls. I held onto them, and they’ve proven quite useful on late nights when I’m bored and the neighbor across from us parks their car in the street, complete with a ghetto-ized car alarm that goes off if you even look at the car. One ball bounce out the window and across the street is all it takes to connect with the car and make the alarm go off. I used the last ball the other night…

And then came another box a few months later. This one also had shoes, but instead of balls, there were feathers. Lots of them. I fished the shoes out, scattered feathers everywhere and quickly ran to the garbage cans in the back yard to get rid of the feather box. But it was too late; I had left a trail of feathers from the house to the garbage. Later on, after getting most of the feathers in the garbage, I had the bedroom window open, which is conveniently located next to the back door of the apartment, next to the trash bins. Then a neighbor walked through the back door to throw some trash away, and I heard, “Holy shit, someone fucking killed a chicken out here” ring through the window…

But this new package might just one-up both of those experiences. A box arrived the other day, which I thought was a pair of shoes. A very heavy pair of shoes. After I opened the box, I thought to myself, “That’s weird, there’s only one.” And then I realized what it was. A chocolate shoe. A four-pound chocolate shoe, modeled after the Nike 6.0 Air Insurgent.

It’s been sitting on our mantle ever since, next to some Austin Powers characters. And I feel the need to share this chocolate shoe with the world. So here it is, along with Dr. Evil, Austin and a fembot. Enjoy…

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