The Will To Rollerblade

The Will To Rollerblade from briantunney on Vimeo.

A short film produced by Brian Tunney. Featuring the cinematography of Larry Rhodes, plus a dramatic soundtrack from the mind of Aaron Buckley, The Will To Rollerblade is a bombastic ride through wisdom, will and the power of a generous pant sag. The end result is a raucous venture into the heart and mind of modern day avant garde cinema.

Pokez SD

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I’m in San Diego wasting away the afternoon at the airport as I await a direct flight back to Newark. Been here for four days now, and I’m ready for the east coast again. The one truly great part about San Diego, which I would gladly welcome in say, West New York or even Manhattan, is Pokez Restaurant. It’s a Mexican cafe in downtown with an extensive vegetarian menu and entree prices that linger above or below the $5 range.

I think we first went there about 4-5 years ago, but I can’t remember the exact circumstances. I do remember landing just the other day though, and the first thing I looked up when I got to the hotel was to see if Pokez was still there. Sure enough, it was, and I’ve eaten there every day since I’ve been here. I’m gonna cut this short since I gotta board soon, but if you’re in the SD area and happen to crave a vegan chorizo, potato and mushroom burrito for $4.75, Pokez is your place.

Here’s the link, with directions and a downloadable PDF menu: Pokez

Lane Meyer 1968-2007

(Lane Meyer was the title character in the 1985 comedy ‘Better Off Dead.’ The following is fictional, but you’ll need to have seen the movie to get all of the jokes/references…)

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GREENDALE (AP) – Lane Meyer, an award winning food writer for the San Francisco Chronicle that spent his spare time skiing dangerous slopes throughout the Northern California area, died at his home in Greendale, CA on September 7. He was 39.

The cause was suicide, his brother Badger Meyer said. “I had told him the same tale often,” said lifelong friend Charles DeMar. “Suicide is never the answer. And dying when you’re not really sick is really sick, you know,” he added.

Meyer came to public notice in 1985 after successfully beating Greendale High School ski captain Roy Stalin in a K-12 ski race. In addition to forever altering the social hegemony of Greendale High School, the race resulted in a new record time for skiing the K-12, one that his not been beaten since. Meyer pushed any and all accolades aside, instead fleeing for Paris, France. In the time since, Meyer had been challenged numerous times to follow-up races by Stalin, but refused to participate, creating a legacy that Stalin would never retake.

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Meyer was born June 28, 1968 in Greendale, California. He grew up alongside friends Charles DeMar and Ricky Smith in Greendale, where he developed a love for skiing and Q-Tip sculpture. In his teenage years, he chased love, but was often plagued by the effects of social stratification in Greendale. After his first girlfriend Beth Truss left him, Meyer often spoke about “Being more popular, better looking and driving a nicer car.” Following several suicide attempts, Meyer was diagnosed with depression, an illness he continued to battle throughout the remainder of his life.

After high school, Meyer traveled to Paris, France with high school sweetheart Monique Junot. Meyer pursued an English degree at home and abroad, writing for several food magazines along with a How-To manual on meeting women, co-authored by his younger brother Badger. In 1992, Meyer and Junot were married, and had since been dividing their time between Northern California and Paris before divorcing in 2006.

In 2000, Meyer was hired by the SF Chronicle as a food writer, a position he excelled at. Meyer often told the tale of his mother’s haphazard cooking skills during his formative years, how she created “monsters” in the kitchen and how his it was his lifelong obligation to write about “edible” food. His column, “Go That Way, If Something Gets In Your Way, Turn,” was syndicated nationally in 2004. In the weekly column, Meyer espoused upon his family dinners, his part-time fast food jobs as a teen-ager and an anonymous friend that snorted Jell-O from time to time. The column helped to transform the art of food writing from elite to bourgeois, garnering Meyer several awards during his tenure at the Chronicle.

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Meyer was also known for his quirky imagination, once reasoning with a newspaper delivery boy that he couldn’t pay a delivery fee because of a family crisis that involved his brother getting his arm stuck in a microwave and his grandmother taking acid and then highjacking a busload of penguins. Additionally, Meyer was known for his unique construction of hamburger patties, shaping beef patties into rock groups that mimicked the David Lee Roth era of Van Halen at family barbecues. He spent his spare time restoring his beloved ’67 Camaro, or vacationing with his unique circle of friends (including DeMar, a biochemist that often experimented with snow, along with plush toy mogul Ricky Smith).

He is survived by his family; mother Jenny Meyer, father Al Meyer, brother Badger Meyer and sister-in-law Jenna Jameson. Funeral services are scheduled for this Friday.

Lane, I know this is gonna sound weird coming from your obituary writer, but would you mind if I asked out Beth?

Silent Bob 1974-2007

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RED BANK (AP) -Robert Blutarsky, affectionately known as ‘Silent Bob‘ to friends and family alike, whose fondness for the eccentricities of loitering throughout Monmouth county, the original Star Wars trilogy and homemade electronics experiments was woven into a lifetime of blunts and adventure, died Friday at the age of 33.

According to lifelong friend Jason ‘Jay’ Derris, Blutarsky succumbed to lung cancer at Riverview Hospital in Red Bank. “Tubby bitch went in his sleep,” said Derris, who referred to Blutarsky as his “hetero life-mate,” before further adding, “I ain’t gay.”

Blutarsky first entered public notoriety in 1997, when his likeness was used in the Oni Press comic series ‘Bluntman and Chronic.’ Created by longtime friends Holden Macneil and Banky Edwards, the ‘Bluntman and Chronic’ series depicted Blutarsky, along with Derris, as marijuana dealers that win the lottery, become superheroes, battle fictional villians and smoke copious amounts of marijuana along the way. The short-lived series quickly rose to notoriety for its flagrant depiction of marijuana use, marijuana paraphernalia and abject sexual references. After passing on an MTV animated series, the comic book was transformed into a major motion picture, which unfortunately flopped at the box office in 2001.

In the time since, Blutarsky had been drifting between rehabilitation, loitering at Mooby’s fast food restaurant and a newfound interest in Catholicism before ultimately investing money in the redevelopment of Quick Stop and RST Video at 58 Leonard Avenue in the Leonardo section of Middletown, NJ.

Blutarsky was born August 2, 1974 in Red Bank, NJ. As a student at Henry Hudson High School in Highlands, NJ, Blutarsky excelled in electronics, eventually winning regional science fairs for transforming household appliances into compact disc players using chicken wire and assorted tools. In between electronic experiments, Blutarsky enjoyed watching the Star Wars trilogy, the Indiana Jones trilogy and early John Hughes films along with Derris, whom he had befriended as a toddler. The two ultimately left Hudson Regional before graduating, opting for a carefree existence that included loitering, explicit drug use and petty theft. Blutarsky dated a woman for a brief time known simply as ‘Amy.’ “That bitch drove Lunchbox crazy,” said Derris.

After the breakup, Blutarsky never dated again. He had aspirations to become a dancer in Las Vegas, but instead chose Chicago after leaving New Jersey for a brief tenure. Blutarsky, along with Derris, were, according to friend Bethany Sloane, in search of the town Shermer, Illinois, made famous in such John Hughes films as Weird Science and The Breakfast Club. The two returned to New Jersey shortly after discovering that Shermer, Illinois was a fictional location.

In 2001, Blutarsky, along with Derris, again left New Jersey destined for Hollywood, CA. Along the way, the two were implicated in a diamond heist in Boulder, Colorado, but were ultimately cleared of all charges. In 2005, Blutarsky was arrested for possession of marijuana and was sentenced to six months of rehabilitation. During Blutarsky’s rehabilitation, he re-connected with his spirituality, embracing Catholicism, the religion he was raised upon. After leaving rehab, Blutarsky, along with Derris, returned to loitering, enjoying cult classic movies such as ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and the reconstruction project in Leonardo. A smoker for the past twenty years, Blutarsky contracted lung cancer earlier this year.

Blutarsky, known throughout Monmouth County as ‘Silent Bob,’ made a lasting impression on all those whose lives he touched. His distinguishing features, that of heavy smoking, black trench coat (enlongated by a foot of extra fabric) and backwards baseball cap, became his trademark, along with his penchant for silence, which was only rarely broken by punctuated bouts of wisdom and off-kilter movie quotes. “There’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But, they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ’em just cheat on you,” said Blutarsky in 1994. In 1997, he quoted the George Lucas film The Empire Strikes Back to Derris, citing “Adventure, excitement? Jedi craves not these things.”

Blutarsky loved the music of Barbara Streisand, The Time, King Diamond and Q Lazzarus. He studied copyright and likeness laws in his spare time and at times, believed he possessed the powers of a ‘Jedi Knight,’ the global protectors of good in the Star Wars trilogy. He often stored humorous articles in his trademark trench coat, including inflatable sex dolls, sex toys and a Batman grappling gun.

Blutarsky’s life was ultimately plagued by the breakup of his only girlfriend, Amy. In a rare diatribe sometime in 1997, he told Bluntman and Chronic creator Macneil about his regrets, stating “I’ve spent every day since then chasing Amy…”

He is survived by hetero life-mate Jay Derris, and brother-in-law Rick Derris of Highlands, NJ.

A private funeral will be held next Friday in Leonardo, NJ. Blutarsky’s remains are to be cremated and delivered to Derris, who plans on returning to the Quick Stop, rolling a blunt with Blutarsky’s remains and smoking the joint amongst friends and family in the exact place where Blutarsky once loitered on a regular basis.

“The fuckin’ mack daddys of fuckin’ Jersey are gonna get nootched one last time,” said Jay. “BOOOONG,” he added.

IP Trace

I spent a good portion of last week developing a Wikipedia Web page for Dig. It’s a simple, informative Web page that tells the background of Dig and aids search engines in finding Dig BMX on the Web. Plus, I just thought it was cool.

Woke up this morning to find that it was vandalized. Some idiot wrote all this stuff about us being gay, being idiots, how the mag sucked, etc, etc. So I took some time and explored the history of the edits on the Dig BMX Wikipedia page, and found an IP address that had made all the changes.

Then, using my handy dandy Google window, I googled “IP Trace,” and within half a second, a Web site came up that did IP Traces for free. I tested it on mine, and sure enough, it gave me a satellite photo of my house in West New York, NJ. Then I entered the Wikipedia vandal’s IP address, and it came up “City of London.” After zooming in, I had a street address (which is supposed to be within one block’s worth of accuracy.) Whomever was vandalizing the Dig Wikipedia page, well, I now know that they live on or about Lambeth Palace Rd, near Westminster Bridge Rd in London, England. Anyways, if you’re a blogger and you come across this IP address (62.189.86.66), that’s your culprit, hiding behind a shadow of a ball-less person somewhere in London.

I guess the lesson for the day is that you can’t really get away with anything on the Internet anymore, no matter how idiotic you plan on being.

Here’s the idiot’s vandalizing contributions to the Dig Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/62.189.86.66

Here’s the Dig Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dig_BMX

And here’s the IP Trace Web site: http://www.ip-adress.com

Have a good day.

Forgot this: new Defgrip feature.