SEINFELD EPISODE GUIDE (SEASON 19: 2007-2008)

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EPISODE 284: THE BLOGGER

Elaine begins dating a man named Steve Phan that has a blog. After the second date, a co-worker of Elaine’s tells her at work that she read about her date last night on Steve’s blog, affectionately dubbed ‘Phan-Male.’ When Elaine reads the blog, she discovers that Steve suspects she might be on Paxil or some other anti-depressant. Irate, Elaine confronts Steve about his blogging tendencies and asks him to keep their relationship and his suspicions off of the Internet. Jim responds by blogging about the confrontation between them, writing that “Elaine expects me to keep our relationship behind closed doors.” Elaine retaliates by hacking into his blog and outing Jim as a homosexual, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Meanwhile, George gets some poor seller feedback after selling Yankees memorabilia on Amazon, and attempts to find the person that left the poor feedback. “I got to the post office late. My poor sister, she’s dying,” he e-mails the Amazon customer.

Jerry dates a woman that watches American Idol, and they eventually break up because Jerry refuses to watch the program with her. “Because it’s so stupid,” rationalizes Jerry.

Kramer aspires to join a yoga class, but is not allowed to participate after refusing to change into more comfortable clothing. “I don’t wanna wear sweat pants Jerry,” he later says.

EPISODE 285: THE CELL PHONE SNUBBER

George has problems with his boss, who will not acknowledge George while he is on his cell phone in the office.

“He’s a cell phone snubber,” laments George to Jerry.

“I hate the snub. It’s incorrigible,” responds Jerry.

“See Jerry, you understand me. If someone’s on a cell phone in public, then why should I pretend like I can’t bother them?” says George.

“It’s our domain, we will never bow to the phone!” finishes Jerry.

Feeling inadequate, George implants a cell-phone jammer in the office, and no one’s cell phones work in the office anymore. This backfires when George’s mother slips on her way to Starbucks, and needs to go to the hospital for a back problem. “Georgie, why don’t you pick up your cell phone when I call you?” she says from the hospital bed later on in the show.

Meanwhile, Elaine’s boss at work is accused of insider trading, and she is fired as a result of re-budgeting.

Kramer and Newman become obsessed with a scheme to sell homemade sausages over the Internet, www.kramericasausages.com eventually fails when the sausages become spoiled, due to the U.S. Post Office taking too long to deliver the sausages to the customers.

EPISODE 286: JET BLUES

Jerry’s Jet Blue flight to Buffalo, for a standup comedy gig, is stuck on the tarmac of JFK for ten hours. Jerry misses the show, and instead rents a car to drive to Buffalo later that day. He is given a PT Cruiser by the car rental agency. The PT Cruiser breaks down one hour outside of New York City, and Kramer drives up to rescue Jerry. On the return to New York City, Kramer must stop to pick up some bootleg Fendi bags from his friend Bob Sacamano. Jerry, afraid to be involved in a bootlegging operation, calls George on his cell phone to come pick him up. George fails to receive the call because he is at his office and the cell phone jammer from the previous episode is still operating. Enraged, Jerry hails a cab home, and eventually ends up sharing it with a plain-clothed Jet Blue pilot. Jerry dispels his tale of Jet Blue ruining his weekend, and is in turn unofficially blacklisted from further Jet Blue flights. “I don’t need to see Waterworld on the flight. You think I care about Kevin Costner with gills. I need to get to Buffalo,” he later tells Jet Blue’s Customer Service.

Meanwhile, George takes suit with Amazon, when he receives an e-mail from Amazon recommending that he would probably be interested in purchasing the DVD of the movie ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s.’ “What, they don’t think I could get through the book? They want me to watch the movie instead,” he yells to Jerry.

The Nuva Ring is taken off the market, and Elaine must decide whether her current boyfriend is “Ringworthy.”

EPISODE 287: THE COUCH

Jerry and Elaine eat at a bistro owned by a mutual friend named Poppy and begin discussing Iraq. Jerry and Elaine both agree that the U.S. should begin to remove troops from the country. When they ask Poppy his feelings about the war, he tells them that he is for the war in Iraq. Elaine forces Jerry to leave the restaurant before their meal is eaten.

Meanwhile, Kramer is supposed to go into business with Poppy, opening a restaurant in which customers create their own “wrap” sandwiches. Poppy eventually comes to Jerry’s apartment to be paid for the meal that him and Elaine stormed out on. Poppy sits on Jerry’s Ikea couch and relieves himself while Jerry gathers the money owed to him. “Poppy peed on my couch!” Jerry screams.

George eventually takes the couch with the pee stain for his apartment. And Kramer and Poppy have a falling out over whether to keep cheese on the wrap sandwich menu or to pull it off the menu. Elaine in turn ends up breaking up with her perfect boyfriend, who also supports the war in Iraq.

EPISODE 288: THE JUNK E-MAIL

Kramer shuts down his Hotmail account because he refuses to receive junk e-mail anymore. He is eventually captured by goons at Microsoft and confronted by Bill Gates. “I take my job pretty damn serious,” he tells Kramer. “Now we’ve got a big pile of spam waiting for you with your name on it. You wanna go get it?” he finishes.

Jerry gives his father an iPod, and his father is in turn accused of stealing from the condo association when the other residents of his neighborhood see him walking to the early bird special with his 80 gig iPod.

Elaine refuses to call her friend Noreen anymore because her boyfriend, whom always answers the phone, is a long talker and Elaine does not have enough minutes on her cell phone to talk to him each time she calls.

George begins dating a woman with whom he begins to encounter erectile dysfunction, Kramer urges him to get Viagra, but George’s insurance won’t cover it. Too cheap to simply pay for the doctor visit, he mailorders the drug from Canada, but is caught by Newman, who delivers the package to him at work.

Billy Jacoby

For a while, I had an in with a Hollywood agent that got me all sorts of interviews with people from my collective memory that had mildly affected me in one way or another. One of those people was Billy Jacoby. He was a teen-age actor in Hollywood during the mid ’80s, most famous for his role as ‘Buddy Griffith’ in the 1985 coming-of-age teen-age sex comedy ‘Just One Of The Guys.’ He played the younger brother of a girl that dresses as a guy to get more respect in high school, and he played it perfectly. He was obnoxious, boisterous and more sexually charged than any 15 year-old kid I’ve ever met in my life. He knew the ins and out of both Playboy Playmates and jock itch, and was constantly searching for any way possible to lose his virginity (which ultimately does happen in the end of the movie.) Basically, he was a lighthouse in the confusing sexual world of every teen-age boy that watched that movie. He gave validity to the awkwardness of puberty and the feeling of being constantly randy, and he made light of these awkward traits, using comedy, brashness and confidence as his weapons of choice. Somehow, I was able to get in touch with him, and instead of talking about upcoming projects or new life developments, I got him to look back and reflect over the suburban legend of Buddy Griffith….

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I hope you don’t hate me, but I really only requested this interview because of your role in ‘Just One Of The Guys.’

Billy: Ha! Really? I don’t even remember my character’s name…

Buddy Griffith…

Billy: (Pause) That was almost 20 years ago now! It’s not really pertinent to my career now….

I know, I know, but your performance left such a huge impression on the collective sexuality of many pre-teen and teen-age boys in the U.S. when the movie was released.

Billy: I’ve heard that before. But you need to realize that he was just a horny 15 year-old kid. A fake 15 year-old kid written up for a comedy…

Yeah, and that’s the reason that your character resonated with so many boys, including myself. I mean, before that came along, for people that were born in my generation, there really wasn’t anyone or anything to look to that would explain being a young, sexually-charged teenage boy. We were the post-Porky’s, pre-American Pie generation. If it wasn’t for movies like ‘Just One Of The Guys, ‘Weird Science’ and ‘Sixteen Candles,’ we would’ve been really confused kids.

Billy: Ha… That’s funny… I get what you mean though… There wasn’t much else going on then.

So is it OK to reprise that role for this interview?

Billy: I’m already on the phone, so it’s gonna have to be….

Awesome, I won’t take up too much of your time. So the first thing I wanna ask about, was your character improvised at all, or were you just acting out the screenwriting?

Billy: If I remember correctly, it was about half and half. At the time, I actually was 15 or so. Maybe 14 when we were filming. So I could identify a bit with the writing, and I wanted wholeheartedly to be funny…. So if I remember right, there were some bits I added in myself… The one that stands out is the “balls itching” scene. I asked my sister in the movie (who’s pretending to be a guy in the movie) to see how she would scratch her balls. I’m sure you remember this part. She does it really half ass, and then I go on this tirade about how to properly scratch your balls. That bit came from me. And the infamous line that brought the scene to a close, that was me.

What was that line again?

Billy: You’re gonna make me say it?

For my own enjoyment, yeah, if that’s cool.

Billy: (Frustrated) OK… Buddy says to Terri, “All balls itch, it’s a fact!”

Thank you, that was amazing! I totally identified with that line. Jock itch was one of those things nobody prepared me for.

Billy: Well I’m glad I helped then.

Alright, next question. What was your favorite part of working on that movie?

Billy: That’s easy. It was my first role that I got to cuss a lot in. There was one scene where our parents call, and I answer the phone, and I just keep saying stuff like, shit, I don’t even remember, but it was all this inflammatory stuff against my parents, really vile words, and I was, what 14 or 15, screaming that into a phone for half a day during filming. I remember being really excited about that at the time. And when my parents drove me home after that day, they couldn’t touch me. It was beautiful.

That’s it? Nothing about Sherilyn Fenn or anything? Tell me about Sandy the Fish Girl please.

Billy: Dude, nothing happened outside of the movie. We were just working together on that movie. Besides, even if it did, it was 20 years ago and I wouldn’t even remember much of it….

Fair enough. What was it like after that movie came out? Did people view you as some kinda sage-like sex god?

Billy: Oddly enough, a little. I was getting into clubs, dating older women, everything. That went away pretty fast though.

Why’s that?

Billy: Cause I started doing voiceovers for cartoons. And dude, it’s totally not cool to women. Try getting a girlfriend by telling a girl in Hollywood that you do the voice on ‘Lazer Tag Academy,’ and see where it gets you. I also did an episode of The Golden Girls, totally not good for a young single man in the L.A. scene… Plus my wardrobe in ‘Just One Of The Guys’ was totally undesirable to girls. They had me wearing metal shirts with sleeveless flannel shirts over them. I might as well have been a burner in a shop class in that film….

Holy crap. I had no idea about the cartoons. I did like your wardrobe though.

Billy: It was a lot worse before ‘Just One Of The Guys.’ I was the voice of a puppy named Petey on an ABC cartoon. That was before I was dating women though….

So OK, let me wind this down. What, ultimately, did you take away from your role in ‘Just One Of The Guys’?

Billy: Hmm, that’s a rough one… I think… I learned, umm, to be comfortable with sexuality onscreen… That’s something I had never done before, and something I haven’t done since. I was on Bernie Mac and Walker, Texas Ranger. They don’t talk about tits and scratching balls and getting laid on prime-time television. It was pretty groundbreaking for me as an actor.

And do you think that exploring sexuality in a comedic light is beneficial or detrimental to impressionable viewers?

Billy: Oh, it’s totally beneficial. Like you said before, my performance got you to be more comfortable with the changes your body was going through…

Yeah, you unknowingly led me through puberty. How does that feel?

Billy: Well, I wasn’t expecting to talk about this. It was a hell of a long time ago at a different point in my life. But if I helped anyone, and made them laugh along the way, then I’m glad.

Thanks man.

Proctor!

(This first appeared in Dig BMX Magazine #36.)

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Not many people will recognize the name Lance Kinsey. Chances are though, if you throw the name “Lieutenant Proctor” out at a 30-something dinner party, you’ll have a biter or two.
Lance Kinsey is an actor that became infamous for his role as ‘Lieutenant Proctor’ in the Police Academy series. He appeared in episodes 2 through 6, and was best known for his performance as the bumbling go-to guy for the stickler captain of the series. Lt. Proctor was always the guy sent to spy on the Police Academy crew, trying to catch them in the act of wrongdoing or improper police procedure. Most of the time, he was duped by the force, often lured into gay bars or stuck in jail cells that he himself was supposed to be guarding. His performances were the stuff that classic comedy is made of, but as Kinsey tells it, those performances often became difficult to escape from.
Like so many actors before him, he was type-casted both in and out of his professional life. Inevitably, he had become a real-life version of Lieutenant Proctor, a facet of life that still affects him almost 15 years later. But rather than let me explain the situation, I’ll pass the space onto Kinsey, whom was kind enough to explore the shadow of his life known as “Proctor!” Unlike his character from the Police Academy movies, he was gracious, well-spoken and honest. Welcome to the Lance Kinsey (not Proctor) interview…

So, what happens when you, the actor Lance Kinsey, gets pulled over by the police?

Lance: (Pause) That’s a great question…. Well, the one time it actually happened, the pursuing officers automatically recognized me. I forget his name, but he looked at me, looked at the license and smiled. Then he took a step back, breathed deep and yelled… “Proctor!”
I just smiled back and laughed along. At the time, well still, I hate dealing with that crap, but if it’s going to get me out of a ticket, I’ll go along with it… After he let me off, I drove away, faster than I was already going, whispering “Fucking prick” under my breath….

That’s funny. So how many Police Academy movies did you work on?

Lance: Four of them. Starting with 2 and ending with 6. After that, things started to change. Steve Guttenberg, who played Mahoney, was leaving, along with a lot of the original characters. I had a lot of other offers to do, like the straight to video hits ‘Wedding Band,’ and ‘Masters of Menace.’ They allowed me to stretch out a bit from the Lt. Proctor role that everyone still won’t let me live down. They didn’t do that great as far as sales go, but by after four Academy movies, it was time to move on. There’s talk of a reunion movie with most of the original characters, and there’s been for years now, so if that ever happens, I’ll more than likely go back to the Proctor role.

You seem pretty uncomfortable with being known as Proctor and not Lance Kinsey. I mean, I could understand that you’ve become infamous for that role, but it’s not completely bad, is it?

Lance: Have you seen the movies? I’m assuming you have since you requested the interview from me. You’ve seen what I play, a lackey police lieutenant that can’t listen, can’t function and is notorious for kissing the captain’s ass. I’m thankful for the publicity the role gave me, and the money it gave me…. But I trained eight years as a professional actor. I’ve done Shakespeare and Brecht and Chekhov… No one knows that. They know Lance Kinsey, the real person, as a bumbling idiot that always ends up getting stuck in a situation that involves dancing with leather-clad gay bikers in a dark bar. I won an award for my performance in The Seagull. I’ve been a creative writer and consultant on the Drew Carey hit ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’
Basically, after you play an idiot, people assume you are an idiot. It’s that simple…. What’s the proverb? Oh, I remember. If it smells like shit, it probably is shit…. Well, that’s a huge cut against a classically trained actor that gets famous for what Lt. Proctor did, locking himself in jail cells and always referencing “Fruits at the bar….”

What was your favorite part about doing the Police Academy series?

Lance: Well, it’s a bit hypocritical considering what I just said, but it did open a lot of doors for me to do more comedy, which I miss lately. Aside from that, hanging with the crew was always a romp. Guttenberg was a constant pranker. One time, he rigged up a fake birthday party for Georgie Gaynes, who played Commandant Lassard and was on Punky Brewster for all those years. He went over the top, brought in strippers and everything. It was six months from Georgie’s birthday!
And it got me to meet some pretty women too. First Hollywood starlet I hooked up with was Julie Brown from MTV. She had a bit part in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, and we did some acting of our own if you know what I mean….
I met a lot of great people from that series too. I still talk to Bubba [Smith], he played Hightower. And me and Tim [Kazurinsky] are best friends still. The guy that played Sweetchuck. But we’re not as goofy as those movies made us out to be… Plus that, I still get a check every time those movies are on Comedy Central or TBS.

What was your least favorite part about the series?

Lance: Not being able to stretch out emotionally as an actor. I mean, yeah, it was a comedy, but the audience never got to know the real side of Lt. Proctor. He had a family, a kid, and he wasn’t as nearly concerned with Captain Mauser or Captain Harris as the movies made him out to be. That, the constant publicity traveling, and getting picked on in public outside of the role are probably my greatest regrets in life.

Finally, have you ever ridden BMX?

Lance: Not a chance. But if you remember, in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, there’s a few pro skateboarders in the beginning of that film. Apparently, they all went on to be pretty famous. That’s as close as I’ve come to extreme sporting.

Thank you Lance, this was amazing.

Lance: No thank you, it’s rare that I even get to talk about these issues anymore. I’m glad to be able to tell people that I’m a real person, not Lieutenant Proctor…