Jeremy Piven

Crandall asked me to write this story down for an FBM zine that came out a little less than a year ago. It’s silly….

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Close to three years ago, at the X-Games in Los Angeles, we (myself, Mike Vincent, Steve Buddendeck, Mike Ardelean and Jim Bauer) attended a party on top of the parking garage at The Grove in Hollywood. The party was hosted by T-Mobile, with free drinks, gigantic swag bags and more than its fair share of B-List actors, pro skateboarders and Hollywood glitterati.

It took about 20 minutes to convince anyone that we (anonymous, plain cloths, non-famous people) should be at the party. Of course, Bauer knew someone who knew someone that worked there, and a few minutes later, we were in the party ordering drinks from the free bar behind Rick Thorne, pro skater Tony Trujillo, and random members of the hip-hop/pop fusion act The Black Eyed Peas (you know the song, “My Lovely Lady Hump….”)

We had already been drinking, a lot. As we neared the bar, the first person that catches my attention is Paris Hilton. I’m drunk already, and I barely even realize it when I say, “Hey, I heard you give bad blowjobs!” I was alluding to the poorly lit home porn movie that had just surfaced on the Internet, and the fact that she paid more attention to smiling at the camera than giving the blowjob in question. So anyway, Paris hears the insult, turns around looking appalled, then storms off with more attitude in her gait than all of Williamsburg put together.

At this point, we order more drinks. The first season of Entourage had just started and I immediately spy Adrian Grenier and the dude named E from that show, say hi and that I like the show. They actually thank me for the compliment and move on. Then somehow, a Snickers bar lands in my hand. I’m not about to eat it, but I make sure to hold onto it as I walk around the parking garage roof looking for more people to harass. The next person I happen upon is the bass player for the band No Doubt (the short darker-skinned one that used to date Gwen Stefani). Immediately, I hand him the Snickers bar and say, “Your band is good. Snap into a Snickers.” He grabs the candy bar, visibly confused, and I walk off before he can even ask what the hell I was talking about. Onward I go, drunken and oblivious.

At the other end of the parking garage roof, I spy someone whom I’ve long looked up to in Hollywood, since his debut in the John Cusack movie ‘One Crazy Summer.’ His name is Jeremy Piven, and you’d more than likely recognize him from his character Ari Gold on the HBO show Entourage, or his role as the Dean in Old School. He was also on Ellen Degenres’ TV show, and usually appears alongside John Cusack in most of his movies, including Serendipity and Grosse Point Blank. Additionally, he also starred in the B-List college comedy, PCU.

I’ve always envisioned Jeremy Piven as the ultimate underdog in Hollywood. He’s short, he was going bald (before hair implants) and he never really had a major role in a major movie, but he worked his ass off and turned all that around within the past few years. Now, he commands respect, and he was in the process of using that newfound respect to bed a young Hollywood blond when I happened upon him.

Immediately, he was not what I had expected. His button-up shirt was unbuttoned Don Johnson style, halfway down his chest, and around his neck, he wore a long necklace with a tribal emblem on it, kinda like something you’d buy on the boardwalk at the Jersey shore. He was putting the moves on this girl when I approached, visibly drunk. I grabbed his shoulder, pulled him towards me and said, “Man, you were great in One Crazy Summer.”

He looked in my direction, nodded with a quick “Thanks,” and turned his attention back to the girl.

“No, I don’t think you realize how important that movie was in my life. I mean, the way you told on John Cusack’s character while he was out with your friend’s girlfriend, it was amazing,” I reiterated.

“Yeah, I remember my part in the movie. Thanks buddy,” he retorted. He was shorter now, getting pissed at my drunken ramblings over a beach comedy from 1989 that he co-starred in.

I grabbed his shoulder again and said something about throwing meat on people in the movie PCU and how it was awesome, and then the girl motioned to walk away from him.

He now looked me in the eye as the girl walked away from him. “Thanks buddy, thanks a lot!” he shouted.

The girl in question disappeared into the party. I walked away from the heated discussion and watched the rest of The Black Eyed Peas performance with Rick Thorne. The next morning, I threw up in our sink at the hotel room.

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