I’m an idiot. We all know this. Recently, I realized that I talk and write like a bigger idiot than I already thought I was. So over the past two days, I’ve compiled some ridiculous one liners that I’ve emailed to people. They’re completely out of context, which makes them sound even more ridiculous than they are, but it lends a certain je ne se quois to the everyday world of email, and also demonstrates how easy comedy comes when almost anything is taken out of context.
So for the next few moments, relax and take a leisurely stroll in the size 10 idiotic shoes that make up me life…..
Hi Batman!, It’s Me, Jennifer Aniston (I just read it on the internet somewhere and thought it would make a funny subject heading, so I used it….)
I’m fine no matter how i get there, as long as it’s not by freight train. (Written in regards to what airline I prefer to fly to go to a comp.)
Earthquakes and fire are all that remain….
(Written in regards to Ted Leo’s past two years of shows at the Seaport Music Festival. His first year was the blackout in NYC, and last year, was a massively vicious thunderstorm.)
I started fucking my grandpa again. He didn’t like it at first, but his old decrepit ass came around soon enough…. Did I go too far just there with the anyone else readin this thing? (Written to a co-worker while we discussed the prospect of our company reading our emails)
Too much customer service is better than not enough! (Written to another co-worker after we discovered that we both called a subscriber to our magazine whom was having problems receiving the latest issue….)
The ramifications of legally clearing cover songs from the likes of Led Zeppelin and Todd Rundgren would be too costly for Props to pursue. (Written to a record label that produced an anti-war comp with track from Zeppelin and Todd Rundgren on it)
So the cat was eating the roller skates as well? (Written in response to a bulk email about cats, mice and rollerskates living un-harmoniously in Heaven…)
They would bolster our marketability across the lifestyle sector. (Another one of my “Holy Shit, did i just say that?” moments in life…..)
I’m putting on my dancing shoes as I type this. (What happens when friends send you links to electronica albums they recently posted online….)