A LOCK FOR HIS DOOR AND A SHEMALE PORN DVD

Bob: “This guy has quite a masturbation routine. I’ve never seen anything like it, well, I guess I have, but nothing so clear cut and systematic as his.”

Tim: “What, has he figured out a way to keep his hands jism free while working the remote control?”

Bob: “Hardly, he doesn’t even own porn. He’s afraid it would incriminate him if his girlfriend found out.”

Tim: “So what does he do then?”

Bob: “He uses a Mac-based web browser called Safari.”

Tim: “Big deal, everyone jerks off to internet porn. That’s no routine.”

Bob: “Let me finish. He’s taken the time to set up Safari so that MPEG files download to his desktop, so he can save any MPEG movies he downloads. But he’s set up his download manager so that it doesn’t save a history of recent downloads at all. He also set it up in his preferences to erase the web browser’s history each time he quits the program.”

Tim: “There’s still tracks left though, even if his history is erased each time he quits. Doesn’t he know what a cache is?”

Bob: “Yeah, he’s set that up so that it resets each week. He has an occasional shemale fetish, which he’s real paranoid about anyone finding out about, so he even trashes the program once a month and re-downloads it from the Apple site.”

Tim: “Shemales? Are you serious?”

Bob: “I wish I wasn’t.”

Tim: “Then why is he telling you about it?”

Bob: “Because I was on his computer one day. I was researching oil sources for different oil companies for that Mother Jones article I’m writing, and I wanted to go to the Shell Oil Company website, which is shell.com, and I started to type in w-w-w-.s-h-e, and before I could go any further, the browser’s menu bar suggested going to a site called w-w-w-.shemaleantics.com, because it was in his cache.”

Tim: “Ouch.”

Bob: “So I asked him what that was about, and he seemed confused at first, but then just blurted out that he’s got an occasional lusting for men, but can’t get down with the men actually looking like men… so he opts for shemales.. I was a little shocked at first, but after a few minutes I just figured that I wasn’t womanly enough to be an object of desire for him. ..Plus I was glad he was honest about it and not stumbling over his words, trying to make up a reason why he would have shemales in his internet cache.”

Tim: “I would’ve been saying, “Shit, I was playing a joke on my friend and wanted to send him some really nasty porn, so I downloaded a shemale photo and sent it to him.”

Bob: “Well we can’t all be wise asses and quick witted like you now, can we?”

Tim: “You can be if you want to, especially on the internet.”

Bob: “That is true.”

Tim: “So anyway, how does he hide the MPEG files he downloads to his desktop?”

Bob: “He doesn’t. And this is the part I thought was so systematic. He only downloads 4 movies at a time, and then he arranges the MPEG files on his desktop in a square, hits Apple+L so that the movies loop, and then has a good hands-free jerking experience. It’s almost like a modern day peep show without leaving the house, and without needing a free hand to switch channels.”

Tim: “So what does he do with his free hand, play with his balls or something?”

Bob: “No, he holds the door shut so that his girlfriend’s dog can’t get in the room. Apparently, the dog mistakes him jerking off for some kind of playing and always jumps in his lap when he (the dog) catches him jerking off!”

Tim: “I know what I’m getting him for his birthday then: a lock for his door and a shemale porn DVD.”

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