Bob: “If you had to choose between coffee or alcohol, what would you choose?”

Tim: “Wow, that’s a great question. Both beverages offer so much on so many different levels, from the physical to the psychological to the societal.”

Bob: “Which is why I’m asking. I’ve been asking people for years now. It started out simple enough, just asking women that depended on both to some degree and trying to figure out if I would like them or not, and eventually, I started to understand how you could characterize and categorize different people according to their results.”

Tim: “And what have you found?”

Bob: “Well, this is all speculation, but I’ve found with people that drink both forms of beverage somewhat regularly, that you have day and night people. Correspondingly, the day people choose coffee, while the night people choose alcohol. And then there’s often one or two weirdos that asks about coffee cordials and what group they would fall into, but I’ve never understood the people that want to combine a chemical on switch with a chemical off switch.”

Tim: “Because coffee is a stimulant and alcohol is a depressant?”

Bob: “Yeah.”

Tim: “I know what you mean. Lately, I’ve been noticing so many people drinking Red Bull with vodka, which probably tastes good, but is also probably physically confusing for your body.”

Bob: “Exactly, and it’s hard enough to understand and separate the motives of the coffee drinkers from the alcohol drinkers, let alone a new group that wants to combine the two, but then also, join the night people at the party.”

Tim: “Plus Red Bull’s a lot more fucking expensive than tonic or club soda… But that would lead me to assume that it’s not about people trying to combine stimulants and depressants, but actually just a chance to appear more lofty in a dirty bar. Of course, I don’t inhabit bars all the time, so I don’t really know.”

Bob: “Yeah, you’re probably right. Some idiot saw an ad in an upscale cigar magazine suggesting the combination, and thought to himself, well, fuck I better do this if I want to get woman while I’m out partying.”

Tim: “Or it could’ve been one of those little alcoholic drink street teams that go to bars, give away free samples and tell people that it’s the cool new thing to do. Coincidentally, that’s how I heard about Sparks, the Alcoholic Energy Drink.”

Bob: “That sounds awful.”

Tim: “Yeah, it was, but it was free so we drank it til our stomachs hurt, which wasn’t long… What beverage did you choose to eradicate by the way?”

Bob: “Coffee.”

Tim: “Why?”

Bob: “I found a loophole by asking the question using the word coffee. I’d still have access to caffeine, just not coffee.”

Tim: “OK, well modify your own question then: caffeine or alcohol?”

Bob: “I’d choose to cut out caffeine then. I’ve been drinking it for so long, that it’s not really a kick start for me anymore. It just makes me more regular in the morning, which at this point, is just detached and apathetic. I guess what I’m getting at, is just that coffee is more of a daily requirement than an enjoyment, like taking a shower or shitting. It doesn’t do much for my mood. Alcohol, on the other hand, can either enrage me or force me to appreciate something I wouldn’t have thought twice about were I sober…. I become more emotionally charged if I’m drinking…. It makes me less regular and I like that part of it…. I’ve also had some great sex while I’ve been drunk…. But I’ve never had great sex with a woman after being out all morning drinking coffee with her. We might have some great shits together, but that would be about it..”

Tim: “So your take is just that the novelty of coffee has worn off then?.. And also that you’re not interested in joint-shitting with women?”

Bob: “Yeah, plus it’s not as socially or emotionally valid to my well being anymore.”

Tim: “And this makes you a night person then?”

Bob: “I presume so. Days of drinking coffee are too mundane for me. What about you?”

Tim: “I’d give up alcohol without thinking twice about it…. I can go days without drinking alcohol and feel fine, but caffeine withdrawal is a bitch. Anytime I’ve gone without coffee or caffeine, I get the worst headaches ever, and they last all day long…. The simple act of giving it up for me right now just doesn’t seem physically feasible.. if I were to… well, at least keep going at the pace I’m at. I can’t go a day without coffee.”

Bob: “So you’d say you’re physically addicted to caffeine then?

Tim: “Definitely, and any medication I might take if I were to withstand caffeine withdrawal would just be full of caffeine anyway, which would negate the effects of eliminating it from my diet. I’m officially a junkie I guess.”

Bob: “At least you’re honest about your shortcomings…”

Tim: “If I were to be totally honest with you, I’d tell you there’s no way I could do one without the other at this point. That’s my biggest shortcoming…”

Bob: “What do you mean?”

Tim: “Just that I’m dependent on both to some degree, and that eliminating one or the other would simply involve some sort of change that I’m too comfortable to make right now…. I can’t take the day without the night I guess.”

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