Bob: “I don’t get people that base their whole impression of you on the handshake you give them.”

Tim: “You mean people that used to be in the military?”

Bob: “Not specifically them… I mean anyone or any situation where offering a firm handshake hints at many other social ramifications, like getting interviewed by people for jobs and meeting your girlfriend’s father… I guess you could include ex-military in that group actually. Those guys are haters to anyone that doesn’t look them directly in their eyes and choke their hands. I guess you’d be really fucked if your girlfriend’s dad used to be in the military…”

Tim: “The reason I blurted out that reply was because of that actually happening to me. I was introduced to a friend’s father that used to be a Marine, and I softly shook his hand because I really didn’t give a fuck about being properly introduced to someone I really didn’t give a fuck about knowing. He got all grumpy and asked if I was a real man.., so I told him that I probably wasn’t by his account, and that was that.”

Bob: “Have you seen him since then?”

Tim: “Hell no, so I’m glad I didn’t play his ‘Be a real man’ game…”

Bob: “Because you’re not?”

Tim: “Well, like I said to him, probably not by his account.”

Bob: “It’s as if certain people take entire stock of people they meet simply by measuring the amount of force one uses while clenching.”

Tim: “You know what they should do, and I’m surprised this wasn’t on Seinfeld already, they should make a handshake gauge that measures PSI, and then assign recommended pressures for varying people and situations.”

Bob: “That would be a brilliant idea! Imagine the recommended amounts scale: 60 PSI for a girlfriend’s father, (80 PSI if he’s former military), 65 PSI for a job interviewer, 90 PSI for your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend….”

Tim: “And… get this… you could wear the gauge disguised as a wristwatch if you weren’t sure of pressures. No one would suspect or even notice…. We should actually pursue that idea.”

Bob: “Well it was your idea. All I did was sarcastically suggest recommended pressures for different people and situations.”

Tim: “Yeah, but you broached the topic… I’m serious, this could actually be a useful idea for a place like that joke gift shop in the mall. Fuck, what’s it called…..”

Bob: “Spencers? The place the sells dildos disguised as personal massagers?”

Tim: “Yeah them.”

Bob: “Should we shake on it then?”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *