REFERENCING BRYAN ADAMS WITH EASE ISN’T SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NECESSARILY BE PROUD OF

Bob: “Name one person that really irritates the shit out of you, just by their being.”

Tim: “That’s easy: Bono from U2.”

Bob: “And why’s that?”

Tim: “Because to me, he embodies all of the excesses allowed by being filthy rich into one person… and also, because he has no problem in flaunting them.”

Bob: “You get all that from dark suits, bug eye shaped sunglasses and bad pop music?”

Tim: “It’s not his physical persona at all. It’s the fact that whenever I see him in a music video, he’s always surrounded by harsh weather conditions like pouring rain and wind gusts.”

Bob: “And this, to you, symbolizes a lavish lifestyle?”

Tim: “It just says to me that this person is too good to appear in everyday mundane life. If I were to see Bono walking down the street and stumbling over cracks in the sidewalk created by overgrown tree roots, I would think different. But to create the illusion that he must only be seen in extreme weather conditions, come on! It says to me that he thinks he’s some sort of god or prophet or biblical figure. It’s the same shit Charlton Heston pulled when he played Moses.”

Bob: “Wow, you’ve really thought this through huh?”

Tim: “I actually have. I keep seeing that damn commercial of U2 on TV where he’s singing that ‘Vertigo’ song in the desert with the wind focused behind him as if he’s control of it, and I get madder each time it’s on!”

Bob: “But I also saw a photo of Bono as a pall bearer for his father’s funeral though. You’d say that’s pretty everyday and mundane, right?”

Tim: “For people that aren’t famous and rich musicians; yes. For him, it’s just another press opportunity to actually support the myth that he is in fact a good human being.”

Bob: “That might very well be the case too… I don’t know though, it seems like there’s always been a tendency for music video directors to depict musicians in harsh weather conditions as well. Is it really just a Bono-centric occurrence?”

Tim: “Who else then?”

Bob: “Ummm… Bryan Adams in the song ‘Run To You.’ He got rained on more in that one video than I ever have in my entire life.”

Tim: “That’s different. The rain in that video signified desperation.”

Bob: “Maybe Bono’s just eternally desperate then?”

Tim: “Would you be if you had his money?”

Bob: “Probably not. I know I would find it hard to actually have the everyday, mundane life you speak of if I had the fame that he has.”

Tim: “Point taken… OK, another example then?”

Bob: “How about…… Milli Vanilli’s ‘Blame It on The Rain’ video?”

Tim: “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Bob: “Yeah. I just can’t think of anymore examples off the top of my head. I’m lucky I pulled that Bryan Adams reference out of my ass.”

Tim: “Bob, referencing Bryan Adams with ease isn’t something you should necessarily be proud of….”

SHOULD WE SHAKE ON IT THEN?

Bob: “I don’t get people that base their whole impression of you on the handshake you give them.”

Tim: “You mean people that used to be in the military?”

Bob: “Not specifically them… I mean anyone or any situation where offering a firm handshake hints at many other social ramifications, like getting interviewed by people for jobs and meeting your girlfriend’s father… I guess you could include ex-military in that group actually. Those guys are haters to anyone that doesn’t look them directly in their eyes and choke their hands. I guess you’d be really fucked if your girlfriend’s dad used to be in the military…”

Tim: “The reason I blurted out that reply was because of that actually happening to me. I was introduced to a friend’s father that used to be a Marine, and I softly shook his hand because I really didn’t give a fuck about being properly introduced to someone I really didn’t give a fuck about knowing. He got all grumpy and asked if I was a real man.., so I told him that I probably wasn’t by his account, and that was that.”

Bob: “Have you seen him since then?”

Tim: “Hell no, so I’m glad I didn’t play his ‘Be a real man’ game…”

Bob: “Because you’re not?”

Tim: “Well, like I said to him, probably not by his account.”

Bob: “It’s as if certain people take entire stock of people they meet simply by measuring the amount of force one uses while clenching.”

Tim: “You know what they should do, and I’m surprised this wasn’t on Seinfeld already, they should make a handshake gauge that measures PSI, and then assign recommended pressures for varying people and situations.”

Bob: “That would be a brilliant idea! Imagine the recommended amounts scale: 60 PSI for a girlfriend’s father, (80 PSI if he’s former military), 65 PSI for a job interviewer, 90 PSI for your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend….”

Tim: “And… get this… you could wear the gauge disguised as a wristwatch if you weren’t sure of pressures. No one would suspect or even notice…. We should actually pursue that idea.”

Bob: “Well it was your idea. All I did was sarcastically suggest recommended pressures for different people and situations.”

Tim: “Yeah, but you broached the topic… I’m serious, this could actually be a useful idea for a place like that joke gift shop in the mall. Fuck, what’s it called…..”

Bob: “Spencers? The place the sells dildos disguised as personal massagers?”

Tim: “Yeah them.”

Bob: “Should we shake on it then?”

The Difference Between This, That and the Other Thing…

I don’t know if everyone that reads this knows that I put most of my effort into a BMX magazine called Dig. I’ve been working and writing for Dig for, oh, about 8 years now, and it’s become a huge part of my life, and also something that I don’t want to lose anytime soon. We need subscribers to grow though, which means new people to buy and read the damn thing. I am the shittiest pitch man in the history of pitching though, so it’s hard for me to beg and plead with people to buy anything. I’ve come up with the following spiel though, and if anyone wants to help Dig grow, I would encourage you to keep reading and keep in mind that I’m horrible at sales. It’s kinda like in the end of UHF, when Weird Al’s character retains ownership of the TV station and saves Noodles McEntire’s job…..

I hate sounding like a salesman, but there are some times in life when you need to. We make Dig BMX each month for people that ride BMX. We’re not interested in showcasing Dave Mirra’s latest contest exploits. We’re more interested in real BMX by real people. Whether that’s jumping off a curb or riding the local skatepark on a 16″ bike is up to you. I know this is the most cliché thing we could say, but Dig is made by people that ride for people that ride, so if you can show your support for the magazine, we’d greatly appreciate it. And we need subscriptions to grow, so here’s the deal…

If you’re not subscribed, now is the perfect time to get on board. Here’s the deal: if you subscribe to Dig now, you get a full year of the magazine (9 issues) delivered to your door, a free Etnies ‘Forward’ DVD and a Dig BMX Mag t-shirt in the size of your choice. This offer is available in the U.S., U.K. and throughout Europe. and the price is beyond reasonable. Here’s the prices: $24.95 in the U.S., £24.95 in the U.K and €40 in Europe.
Without this special offer, the combined total of the subscription, DVD and t-shirt would be over $50 in the U.S., £50 in the U.K. and €60 in Europe, so you’re getting quite a deal.
Here’s how to get in on the fun: log onto http://www.digbmx.com/ find the subscription link, and order online with a credit card. Then, go watch TV for a while and wait for your magazine and free gifts in the mail.
There’s more where this came from if you go to the dance with me. Yours truly, Dig BMX Magazine